working towards reality

there's something that I really want to talk about. actually there's about a million things, but I am going to start here; in the present time. I am gay. now, for those of you who know me or have known me at any time in my life know that this is not an easy thing for me to say. honestly, it's easy for me to say, it's not easy for most to hear and/or comprehend. that's fine. take your time. 

I would also like to add that when I am referring to 'gay people' and 'straight people' these terms are not meant to be offensive. they are simply describing words that are the easiest to use while explaining everything. 

I have decided that during this post, and for a few more after this, I am going to be talking about my life and feelings I have had for the past 10+ years growing up LDS (also known as Mormon) and knowing that I am gay. I am hoping that I can help other people to understand their feelings and to not be afraid of this. not only gay people, but families of gay people, religious people, homophobic people... pretty much everyone on this planet, etc. being gay is not something I chose, this is who I am. I cannot be cured of it, it's not an illness. this isn't something religion can pull out of me, nor can science. I am not a broken human being, I am just human. 

recently I just came out to my family. building up to this point took me 2 years to do. 2 years is a hell of a long time to be stressing out, depressed, angry, tired, afraid, and feeling so many more emotions on a daily basis. don't get me wrong here, as I said before I have known for over 10 years, but these last 2 have been a much deeper time. I finally accepted that I'm gay 2 years ago and that began this entire process for me. some people take a longer time before they tell, some people dont. it all depends on how you're feeling.

I had a friend tell me something recently that really was an eye opener. "people that are gay usually have a coming out process, straight people never have to do this." lucky on your part! people that are straight will never understand the stress and depression that usually occurs with the coming out process. these are not easy things to feel. while having depression and anxiety are becoming more rampant everywhere in the world, feeling them to this extreme is not normal or good in any way. I got to the point where picking at my face, skin, and scalp were normal. having aches and pain all over my body all the time, was normal. not eating because I never had an appetite, was normal. I got so emotionally torn between 'who I am' and 'who I should be' that I thought all of these horrible negative feelings were normal. I thought that everyone in the world felt like I did all the time. it felt like there was no end to the torture as I struggled to find myself. 

the depression started when I realized that I am attracted to girls, that happened in middle school. I really couldn't tell you if there was an exact experience because honestly I don't remember an exact one. I'm sure that got blocked out with other memories once the realization sunk in along with fear. but once the realization hit, I started to delve into church even more. i started to try and talk to guys more and be less shy. I didn't want this, I didn't understand this. why is this happening? why do I feel this way? this can't be normal. I thought about these things for quite some time, then I made myself stop. I wasn't going to act upon these feelings I was having. I was an 8th grader when I told myself I wasn't going to let myself feel this way. so I stopped. but so did the rest of me. I will never be able to get those pieces of myself back. I left quite a bit of myself behind me at that point. 

I started to notice a lot of differences in myself. I wasn't having as much fun being around my friends, I stopped caring about sports, even though I love video games they were not as fun for me. I mainly played them so I could be alone and escape the pain I was in. i stopped being myself around my family. most days I was afraid to be around them because I would feel sick to my stomach thinking about how they would react if they found out. I became even more painfully shy than I already was before. I lost confidence in myself. I stopped caring about a lot of things. at the time I thought I was just going through the normal teen years, but looking back I can see the severely depressed and anxious little girl I was. I was too trapped in my own mind and feelings that I couldn't be the happy person I always strived to be. no matter how much I wanted it, it was out of my reach. I needed help, I needed someone to talk to. someone who wouldn't judge me or think I was weird or a sinner. there was no one. I couldn't bare to think about telling anyone in my family, and I was too scared to tell any of my friends. so I kept it to myself. at 14 years old I left all my emotions behind me. only to find I had left my happiness, drowning myself in sadness and misery. 

a positive turn

The day after I cut myself for the first time, I woke up after a terrible nights rest. By terrible I mean I hardly even slept. The fear of how south my thoughts were going kept me up all night. My heart couldn't slow down, my mind was racing and I had no idea what I was going to do next. This emptiness inside me had completely taken over. It had taken over me slowly… over the course of many years. Now I wondered if I was too late. Could I even overcome the numbness I had? Could I ever stop the tears from flowing, even though my sadness had drifted away months ago? These thoughts had to be subdued until later because I had to go to work. I got out of bed, put on my work clothes ( I made sure to wear a long sleeved shirt), and put on my face. When I say putting on my face I don't mean makeup, I literally would not leave my room until I could get myself to smile and make it look believable. Some days I had to stand in front of the mirror for hours, just to get myself to smile.

My shift at work went smoothly. It was a pretty slow day, and so I had a lot of time on my hands to think about what I was going to do with my current state of being. I knew if I kept going on this way it wouldn't be much longer until I decided to permanently take my existence from this world. I felt so hopeless, and I didn't know who to turn too. I knew I had good friends who could help me, and I was really close to my family… but, something was holding me back from telling them and I didn't know what it was. I came to the conclusion that it was a lot of different things. Mainly I was scared. I was scared out of my mind to tell anyone how I had been feeling for the last 2 and a half years of my life, maybe even longer than that. I was ashamed, so ashamed of myself for letting me get to this point. I was bitter, bitter that this horrible thing had happened to me. I was angry, I was entirely livid that I was sitting over on the sidelines, still broken and he went on and lived his life like nothing had even happened. There were so many other things I was feeling, I don't think I can pin point them all. I had so many thoughts swarming my mind, I didn't even know where to start. I started to become so discouraged, that I gave up even telling anyone because I was a lost cause anyway.

After I got off work, the ride home was torture. I didn't know how I was going to approach the rest of the day, or even any day after. When I got home, I went upstairs to change and just sat on my bed. The hopelessness I felt was taking over and all I wanted to do was cry. I wasn't up there for long when my mom came and knocked on the door. I went over and let her in, I'll never forget the look on her face. She had such concern in her eyes, and I could tell she had been pondering how to approach this situation for quite some time. We sat down on my bed and started talking. She asked how I was doing and I said I was fine *lie*. I was looking down at my hands... I couldn't face looking into my mothers eyes knowing I had been lying to her about how I'd been feeling for so long. She reached over and put her hand below my chin to raise my head so I was looking her dead on. She then proceeded to say, "Look me in the eyes and tell me you're okay, Mackenzi." 

I completely broke down. I started crying so hard and between sobs I told her how is been feeling, that my depression had gotten really bad and I had thought about suicide. (My mother actually didn't know I had come to self harming, I told her that after I posted my first blog). We came to the conclusion that it was time I talked to someone, about everything. 

The next week I had my first appointment set up with my therapist. I was a nervous wreck sitting in the waiting room. I kept looking up at the clock, my hands were shaking and my foot was tapping like crazy. Just when I had started to calm down, the door opened and two women walked out of it. I tried really hard not to stare... but I couldn't help myself. One of the women turned to me and said, "Hi Mackenzi, you can go ahead and follow me this way." We walked back toward her room and she told me to take a seat wherever I felt comfortable. I chose this huge couch... it looked the least intimidating. 

I had gone into this therapy session thinking that it was going to be a certain way. I would do all the talking, she'd listen then give me her input and I'd leave really not feeling that much better about anything. It wasn't the case at all. 

She was very lovely, a very caring woman who genuinely cared about how I was doing. She didn't know me from Adam, and I didn't know her either. She first started talking to me about her life, her family, and why she chose this career. She told me about some interesting experiences she'd had while she was still in school. She even brought up some of her own struggles, and how she wanted to help others who have gone through bad experiences like she had and help them though it. I was taken aback. She then followed those remarks, by explaining to me why she told me so much about herself. She said, "I want you to know that I'm not just here to listen to you. I want to know you, I want you to feel comfortable talking to me about your life, both good and bad. This professional relationship that we have is going to go much further than just a first name basis."

Right after she finished, I just started sobbing. I felt badly for going in thinking she was going to be some lifeless robot who only would listen to me because it's what she was getting paid to do. In that instant she built a deep trust with me, and I knew she was exactly the person I needed to talk too. She was going to become a shoulder I could lean on. The next few months of meeting with her on a weekly  basis, did amazing things for me. I found out that not only was my depression something I was able to control and overcome but I also suffered with anxiety. My anger came from my body trying to find ways to let my anxiety out. I wasn't an angry person that I was afraid I had become, I was simply so anxious about everything that my body was trying to do everything it could to not shut down.

I'm not saying that therapy is this magical cure for depression. I still suffer with it today, and I know it's going to be a constant battle for the rest of my life. I want to get more into detail about the challenges I faced over those months, how I over came them, and what priceless advice she shared with me. But, that will have to wait till next time. 

falling deeper

I'm not going to waste any time getting into this. I'm not sure if anyone is anxious to read this, but I'm ready to get it out.

After we broke up, the next week was really good. I was smiling again, and not just pasting a fake grin on my face, but really smiling. I knew what I had done was right, leaving him was one of the best and hardest decisions I've ever made in my entire life.

Now, before I go any further, I want to explain why I stayed with him for so long. I'm sure you've heard many stories about how abused women (or men) stay with the abuser. I know, that upon hearing stories like this I always thought, "Why the crap would she go back to him or stay with him? He obviously doesn't love her. Is she stupid? It's obvious she needs to leave. He doesn't deserve her, and she doesn't deserve that abuse." But, after being in an abusive relationship myself, I've really gained a love for women, and men that have been in the same position as I. I'm going to give you some insight on what was going through my mind when I was still with my abuser.

Men and women that are abusive are more manipulative then you can imagine. They are very intelligent, good with words and twisting them to their benefit. They know exactly what to say to hurt you just enough, to get you to believe that you're not good enough, and you won't do any better then you have now. I mentioned in my last post that he called me his leftovers… not only did he say it to me, he brought me to believe through his actions that I really was his leftovers, and I wouldn't do any better than him. We would have really bad days, and when he'd bring me to tears, he would then proceed with buying me flowers or some sort of gift to apologize. He 'really was sorry', 'really did love me', 'didn't mean to make me cry', 'wanted me to stay', 'he would change', 'it would never happen again'. Each was a lie, and a beautifully written one at that. Most of my days spent with him were bad, but every now and then we'd have an amazing day, and it would reassure me of our relationship just long enough for the bad days to continue until the next really amazing one came.

So, continuing on, the first week after was good. However, after that it all went to crap. All those doubts he put in my mind were creeping back in, and I started feeling like I needed him. I felt I wasn't complete without him. The hole I felt in my chest, the emptiness… was unbearable. I felt like part of my soul, my existence, was ripped away from me. I thought I could only regain that through him. I never went back to him, so no need to worry about that. But, I thought about it everyday, for a very long time. A small part of me today, still, after all this time wonders if I made the right decision leaving him. That's how deep he penetrated me.

I remember walking around in a daze, I didn't believe I was really depressed, and I sure as heck didn't accept the fact I had been abused. To me accepting that those things really happened, meant I was weak, that it was my fault he fell out of love with me. I looked back on everything in our entire relationship… over and over it played in my head like a sick nightmare I couldn't escape from. I studied each little movement I made, each word I said, and wondered what I did wrong. Now and then I'd realize something really stupid that I said, or something embarrassing that happened, and I'd feel terrible about it. I'd think to myself, "Maybe that was the day I lost him. Maybe when I said that one thing he realized he didn't really want me." Then I'd go somewhere by myself and cry… for hours. Not just a little cry where tears stream down my face… I mean sobbing, breaking down to the point where I could hardly catch my breath. My chest would hurt so bad I would wish death upon myself, just so I wouldn't have to feel that pain ever again. I would get like this everyday, multiple times a day, for months.

There's one day in particular that I'll never forget. It was on this day I realized just how low I had gotten, and I realized I couldn't do this alone. I needed help, I needed it desperately.

I was in my bathroom, and for whatever reasons I was home alone. I was sitting on the counter with my feet in the sink, I was tweezing my eyebrows at the time which was a big step for me because keeping up on myself hardly ever happened at this point. I was looking at myself in the mirror after I finished shaping my brows. I had just gotten done with one of my severe sobbing episodes. My eyes were bloodshot, puffy, and I looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. At this point in time I had been separated from my abuser for about a year and a half. Even though I was numb to every emotion, I still cried as hard as I did shortly after we had been broken up. Then out of nowhere… I felt this rage… like nothing I've ever felt before. My heart felt like it was on fire. I wanted to put my fist through a wall. My eye started twitching and my entire body was tense. Then just as quickly as it came it left, and I was still sitting there, emotionless. Moments later I realized, that was the first time I had felt any kind of emotion in a really long time, probably about 4 months. I wanted to feel it again, even though rage was the last emotion I wanted to be exhibiting. So then I started coming up with ideas, ways I could force myself to feel an emotion, feel anything at all… then I get the worst idea I think I'd ever gotten. "I could feel something if I cut myself. I won't do it deeply… just enough to bleed so I feel some sort of pain."

You want to know what I did?

I went downstairs to my basement. Walked right over to my dads toolbox, and found an exacto knife blade. I tested the blade on a piece of cardboard to make sure it was still sharp and it was. Then I sat down right there and started cutting at my wrist. I didn't even sanitize the blade, in all honesty I hoped I'd get an infection. After making a small incision, I realized my idea had worked. As I watched the blood dribble down my arm… I found myself putting the blade to my wrist again. It was messed up, entirely messed up… and the worst part about it was I liked it. I liked finally feeling something again. I ended up making the triforce symbol…. but I wouldn't say I had any wisdom, power, or courage flowing through my veins at that point. That was one thing he didn't take away from me, my absolute nerdy side.

After I finished, I laid on the cold concrete floor for awhile. My arm was burning like crap and I didn't even care. Then I went upstairs and washed off the blood from the blade and my wrist. I put on a long sleeved shirt and hid the blade in my room. Later that night after my family had gone to bed, I laid awake, staring into the darkness, tears were running down my cheeks. Then I felt my second emotion for the day. Fear. Fear that I would take my own life. All these other emotions were on the back burner, but deep down I knew it was time for me to confide in someone. I couldn't trust myself to be alone anymore.

the beginning

Hi friends, it's been a great while since my last post, sorry about that. I've been meaning to post something for the past couple of days, I have probably 5 different drafts of what to post. Each draft is about something entirely different, and I'd get about halfway through and stop cause it didn't feel like what I should be writing about. In fact, I'd been kidding myself trying to work around what's been tugging at my heart. I have a goal to keep things positive in my posts, but if I do write about something negative, I really try to write about it in a positive light. The last thing I want is for anyone to come out of reading anything I write more down than before they read it. I'm not sure really how well I'm going to be able to keep things positive here. In fact, it's going to get pretty intense and very detailed. I didn't want to share with everyone what I'm about to write, but for whatever reasons I've felt like I need to share it. So, here we go.

I've been pretty open about how I suffer with severe depression and anger issues, but I've never really gone into details about why, or really how bad things have gotten. How low I've gotten emotionally, how well I've hidden it, and how overall it's changed me. You're about to find out all of these things. I pray I can portray this in a way you can all relate, and I hope you can gain some understanding of these conditions and be able to be there for someone you may know, or if you yourself are suffering from the same things.

Some time ago, I was in an abusive relationship. There wasn't any physical abuse or sexual abuse, but there was everything else. Emotional, mental, and verbal. Let me give you some background so you understand a little bit more of what happened before things took a 180 for the worst. He was my first love, my first best friend, my first everything. He took great care of me, was a textbook perfect boyfriend. I felt so lucky, and I was. He knew me better than anyone else, and I trusted him whole heartedly. Then somewhere down the line something changed. The man I knew was gone, but he subtly led me to believe what I had been fearing for some time. While there wasn't any physical abuse, I feared for my safety a lot. He had a terrible temper, and when he was angry… there was no stopping him. Looking into his eyes I could see when he left, and the sweet caring man I knew wasn't there anymore. Just a man who would yell at me till his face turned blue, and till his veins nearly burst.

When we would be out in public, I'd see him looking at other women. He'd comment on how hott they were, if they had a nice body or a pretty face. He had used to call me beautiful all the time, but then it got to the point where he was giving me looks like I needed to improve. I stopped believing him when he'd say I looked pretty, because his eyes were vacant, his voice was dull, and his mouth was dry. I was too afraid to lose him, and he told me that I'd never find anyone else who would love me as much as he did. If I left him, I'd just be his left overs. What man could ever want a broken person like I was? As stupid as that sounds, I believed it. I believed him and every word he said, because I was still completely and totally in love with him. So, to show I loved him, I thought I'd become more beautiful if I lost weight. So I stopped eating. I lost over 20 pounds in a month… and I looked horrible. I went down 5 pant sizes. To me at the time I thought I looked great. I was super skinny, had a flat stomach and a nice thigh gap. So after the weight was off, I was desperately hoping he'd look at me like he used too. Guess what? He didn't. I still wasn't good enough, and I never would be.

Do you know what not eating for days at a time does to you? I'll tell you. You sleep all the time because your body has nothing to make energy off of. Your hair becomes brittle and dry, as does your skin. You're weak as ever, for me picking up a glass of water at times was hard… You can't focus to save your life, so academically I started to decline. Imagine feeling like you had just gotten done running 20 miles straight everyday…. this progressed for a year. A year I felt like this physically. Don't worry though, I'm at a healthy weight now and I have been for quite some time. But mentally, I'll never look at my body the same way ever again. Part of me still thinks being that skinny is what's truly beautiful, and our society today doesn't help with that.

Before things turned bad, we'd laugh all the time. I'd always be smiling. I was the happiest girl ever. But, it got to the point where I hardly laughed anymore, if I did it was fake. I was so desperate for his attention, for his love and affection. I craved it. He wouldn't hold my hand, and he hardly ever kissed me. He started saying things like, "You're so lucky to be with me you know that? I could leave you at anytime and not look back. But I won't. I care for you Kenz so I'll stay with you." Yeah… like hell you cared for me. He started criticizing me, picking at things like the bump in the bridge of my nose, how my ears poke out, and how my hairline was weird. He started saying those things to me so much that now I hate every single one of those things about myself. If I had the opportunity to get plastic surgery, I'd get a nose job and remove the bump. How messed up is that? I went from being this confident girl, to now I didn't think I was appealing in any way.

This relationship continued for quite sometime. Until I finally grew a pair, realized what had been going on, and how low I'd gotten. I broke up with him, and I yelled at him twice as loud than he ever yelled at me. Usually I try to be the bigger person, but I won't lie, that felt really good. I thought breaking up with him was going to be the hardest part. I was wrong. The coming months… years after, would be the hardest part of all.

… I'll continue in my next post.

getting older

With my 20th birthday coming up in less than two weeks, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I've changed, and how much I haven't changed at all. It's funny actually... upon all this thinking I realized the only difference between me now and when I was 10 is all I've experienced. The big 'changers' in my life made me who I am. Aren't we all that way though? Our past experiences made us who we are, if some of those turned out differently, would we have turned out differently? I guess we'll never really know.

I've thought about how when I was little I chose gameboys over barbies. I've always gotten along with guys way better than girls. Guess it's just my personality ;) I think the only time I ever touched a barbie doll was at a friends house when I was in 1st grade and the head was ripped off... yeah, that about sums up my doll playing. I think of how now I choose video games over clothes and or makeup. Just ask my mom, she was willing to buy me mac makeup for my bday and I told her to just put money in my account instead so I could buy video games. haha wow, I really haven't changed at all in that aspect.

The main thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is how I've changed emotionally. I think we can all thank puberty for that one. I've thought about how happy-go-lucky I used to be. I literally cared about nothing, not how I dressed, or how people saw me. I didn't care to have friends, or to be in a relationship. The only things I cared about were my family and religion. I'm still pretty much the same way. I definitely don't care how I look while going into public, my friends can tell you about 85% of the time I'm in public I look legitimately homeless. I'll tell you what, I care now more than ever about having friends. I think about life without those that I hold dear and I'd rather be dead than not have them. They have been my life changers recently, and they give me a lot, if not everything to look forward too. Relationships scared me. I've had my heart broken plenty of times, but trust me whatever I've felt I've dealt. When i was growing up I always thought I'd get married really young. Man, has that view changed. The longer I'm up here in Rexburg, and I've dated around a little, even though I want to get married, I am not in a rush at all. Just like any girl I've fantasized about the day I'm dressed in all white, married to the man of my dreams. I know that day will come. But right now, honestly, I'm pretty content with how my life is. I consider myself pretty lucky, not many people can say that about their lives. I think I have it made just for that reason. :)

It's weird to think about how in 12 days I'll be 2 decades old. Wow. Just wow.

They say with age comes wisdom. Boy, have I found that to be true. There have been so many experiences in my life that have taught me so much. It's the only way I could even hold half the knowledge I do. I've only learned so much from text books. But life has taught me so much, and I'm grateful for all of it.

I just want to thank my family and friends. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. I love each and everyone of you. Thanks for making this the best 2 decades ever <3

new slate

I don't even really know where to begin this post... Today has been, stressful, to say the least. But, I'm here writing this, so that show's I'm alive! I just have a little bit of venting to do...

This week has been filled with goodbyes, something I am not good at. Literally, I said more goodbyes this week than really ever in my life. Monday- which is a horrible day in and of itself- I said my first goodbye, to Lindsey. I thought saying bye to my family was hard enough, I can say this topped that. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family terribly. I'm probably one of the most homesick people you will ever meet. I fantasize about leaving Rexburg and just driving home to get away from reality here for a little while. As hard as it was, to say goodbye to Lindz, I didn't cry. My hormones took care of all that prior to the actual event. I still get a knot in my gut every time I play that moment back in my mind.

Then today comes, oh my dear sweet lanta, hardest day of my life. Playing back to monday and thinking of that goodbye, then came two more. One so early in the morning I was half asleep for it, Jess, please don't hate me, saying goodbye to you was so hard, but I see you in 7 weeks soo I mean, I can hold back tears for that ;) Then comes the reality of me 'temporarily moving' to a new apartment for the summer break. After two goodbyes done and over with, I had to get my crap together, and start packing up what I've called home for 4 months. Then the afternoon comes, and the last goodbye hangs in front of me like a sick joke. The harsh reality of me thinking it was one goodbye for a solid 3 days, I realized it was actually two. I was not only saying goodbye to Haley, but to Riley as well. I would say surprisingly I didn't cry, but Tuesday I was literally crying for probably 2 hours straight.... I think I was incapable of crying anymore after this point. However, then when Hay walked out the door and I closed it behind her. I stood there, for a good 20 minutes, still clasping the doorknob. I knew I needed to let go, seeing as I had all of my crap to pack before 6 pm. Subconsciously, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to face the fact that when I let go, this new chapter in my life was beginning. The 4 people I'm closest too were gone. 3 of which I'm not going to see for months. Then the question hit me, am I really going to be able to handle this? Or am I just kidding myself?

I have to tell you, I have never had to muster up so much courage in my entire life... to let go of a freaking doorknob. Am I insane? It's not like I'm really going anywhere. I mean I'm in an apartment all by myself and I was scared sh*tless. After a good 5 minutes of just telling myself I was going to be okay, I let go. My hand stubbornly stayed in the grasped position, and I just stood there. It was then it hit me... from this point forward, nothing was ever going to be the same. These months apart were going to change all of us. Whether we really thought about it, or whether we really wanted it, time will change us. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I already feel different. In a good way? Not necessarily. But I'm already changing, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. So I just took a deep breath, and prayed, that I would come to understand myself better. And when the time came, to understand my friends better. After what probably was a good 45 minutes. I turned away from the door, and staring at the blank walls, I realized something.

These goodbyes were so hard, because I wasn't saying goodbye to just 4 best friends. I was saying goodbye to 4 siblings. These people were no longer just a temporary part of my life, but a permanent one. Each goodbye was harder than the one before, because it was deja vu every time. I would feel the pain from the first one, then that would double, triple.. quadruple.. my word. Now I need to mention that I'm okay, really! This all seems really intense, and trust me it was... is. But, I know that all the pain I felt in the goodbyes, just strengthened my bond with each person even more. For that I am grateful.

The day went on. I packed up all my crap, threw my back out, pulled a muscle in my right arm. But now I am here... apartment 303. I have all new roommates, all of which seem to be pretty decent. I haven't had the time to get to know any of them, but hopefully we will all find a common ground, and be able to become friends. After driving up to Idaho Falls to buy myself some gifts, because I wanted too. Don't judge me, I know all of you have done the same exact thing... Anyways, I met up with some old buddies. I like calling them my gang... they don't know this, but that's okay. They would probably give me weird looks. It was good seeing Kyle, Andrew, and Fletch again. There's just something about being with familiar faces. They all helped by giving me the little push I needed to be happy. Now I get to go down to Provo tomorrow to see my sister, brother in law, and nephew. I cannot wait to see that little guy! He's my pride and joy :) I'll probably steal him when my sis isn't looking... because I am just so well equipped to raise a child right now. (And for those of you that know me, know how sarcastic I am and have probably picked up on it throughout this whole post. Those of you who don't know me, I'm sorry, you're really missing out on a great time.) I get to see my mom, dad, and little bro tomorrow night. It's things like this that remind me I have a lot to live for, and a lot to look forward too.

I just want my best friends to know that I miss them terribly. While no one can replace you, I'm not gonna lie, I'm weirdly excited to see what new people I meet these next few months. I patiently await the day when all of us are in the Burg again. That will be, the best day of my life.

cherished

It's been a little while! I promised myself I'd be consistent at with posting... but hey, no one's perfect right? Anyways, I'd like to share some of my thoughts today, if that's okay with all of you. This post is going to be pretty personal, so I hope those of you reading this don't get too bored, but I have to say some things about people that I really cherish in my life. In the near future, I think I'll post about my family, but I want to tell the entire world about my close friends I have come upon recently. A lot of these thoughts no one really knows about, so here's to putting them out on a wire!

First, I want to start off by talking about someone who has been closest to me for a year now. (Keep in mind, I've mentioned a few of these people in earlier posts. Sorry if you get a little bit of deja vu.) Haley Wallace, has been my best friend for an entire year. Holy freaking crap how time flies! I remember last spring semester when I met her for the first time. Want to know what were the first things that ran through my mind? "How on earth, could a girl like her ever want to be friends with me?" I still think that sometimes. She's absolutely beautiful. There's this charisma about her, I feel like I could reach out and touch it. She has this glow... this might sound crazy but I swear to you it's a light pink. I've never seen anything like it. Like who the crap, would have a light pink glow about them? Only Haley Wallace. I catch myself staring at her all the time... people on the outside probably think I have a crush on her. That's fine. Because I do. I have no shame. Something about our friendship, most people make fun of us for this, but we are literally the most opposite people could be. When I say opposite, I mean polar. Little bit of a side track here... for some background information on me, I am a pretty huge nerd. Video games, anime, drawing, nerdy clothes, the whole nine yards. Then there's Haley, pretty girly girl. I don't think she had touched a video game until 3 days ago! That was a life changer! Anyways, our interests are pretty different to say the least. However, I have never gotten so close to someone so quickly. I have had many people close to me in my lifetime, but the difference with our relationship is, at least for me, I have really had to work at it. Our friendship comes easily, I am perfectly comfortable around her, and no one makes me laugh more. But, I have come to notice that when the going gets tough, my natural reaction is to run, and in most other friendships, I have. I'll put this lightly... she isn't going to let me give up so easily ;) There have been a few bumps in the road, and despite our set backs, I know that I can count on her for anything. I mean heck, she's seen me cry probably more than anyone else! I feel like I have known her way before this life. The times I have come to really love, is when we are just laughing relentlessly. There's something about looking over and seeing her smile that just lets me know, everything is going to be okay. She has been my rock for a long while now. There have been many times where I have reached my all time low, I didn't know if I could pick myself up, and there she was, reaching out her hand for me to grab. She may not know, that the time she has spent with me over this last year, has meant more to me than I could ever express. If you ever get the privilege to encounter this amazing girl, consider yourself extremely lucky. I still count the blessings of having her in my life. I will never be able to put the love I have for her into words, she is no longer my best friend, but my sister.

Then there's Lindsey Evans. Haha, this broad. You know how sometimes you really just get off on the wrong foot with someone? Well, me and Lindz successfully made that a true statement. Me and Lindz met last spring semester as well. Haley actually introduced us. Funny huh? My two best friends met before I even knew they existed, and they were gracious enough to allow me into their lives. Something I still thank God for everyday. Although me and Lindz have known each other for a year as well, we didn't get super close until this semester. It's only been a couple months, but I feel the previous months before this semester almost don't even matter. I regret the lost time, believe me. There she was, such a beautiful, and caring person right in front of my face for months, and we just now became pretty inseparable. Something that I'm kind of embarrassed about... this past week I have called this poor girl everyday asking where she is. I feel like at times I annoy her, with how needy I am... but, when she's not around, I feel empty. Weird? Maybe that's too close for comfort, but at this point I don't care! I don't think she realizes how much I have needed her, and how much her friendship means to me. For those of you who don't know her, I'm sorry. You're missing out on getting to know such an amazing person. The closer I have gotten to her, the more she's opened up to me, the more surprised I am. Not in a bad way, in a different way. It scares me how alike we are, literally. We have gone through a lot of the same experiences. I feel like she understands me on a different level than everyone else. She has really been there to listen, even at times when I didn't want to talk. The thought of her leaving tomorrow makes me want to slit my wrists... don't worry I won't! Doesn't mean the urge will be any less... If I could describe her in one word? Stunning. Outwardly, my word. She is breath taking, such a effortless beauty. Inwardly? Bigolly, you bet. She has one of the biggest hearts. I know she will always be in my life. I'd like to thank her, for allowing these past couple months to be some of the best I've ever had.

Now on to Jessica Christian. We just met this semester, and can I say she was an answer to my many prayers. I've had many crappy roommates in the past, I can't even begin to get into those experiences. She has fit into our small little friend group so nicely! I've come to really know and love her for the beautiful girl she is. It's cute to see how innocent she is. It's crazy to think I haven't known her before now, but I am excited to see where our friendship goes. This fall is going to be crazy fun, me and this chick are gonna paint the town red :)

It's been truly amazing to sit back and reflect on these friendships. I have really been blessed to come to know these exceptional people. I approve the envy that may come my way ;)