there's something that I really want to talk about. actually there's about a million things, but I am going to start here; in the present time. I am gay. now, for those of you who know me or have known me at any time in my life know that this is not an easy thing for me to say. honestly, it's easy for me to say, it's not easy for most to hear and/or comprehend. that's fine. take your time.
I would also like to add that when I am referring to 'gay people' and 'straight people' these terms are not meant to be offensive. they are simply describing words that are the easiest to use while explaining everything.
I have decided that during this post, and for a few more after this, I am going to be talking about my life and feelings I have had for the past 10+ years growing up LDS (also known as Mormon) and knowing that I am gay. I am hoping that I can help other people to understand their feelings and to not be afraid of this. not only gay people, but families of gay people, religious people, homophobic people... pretty much everyone on this planet, etc. being gay is not something I chose, this is who I am. I cannot be cured of it, it's not an illness. this isn't something religion can pull out of me, nor can science. I am not a broken human being, I am just human.
recently I just came out to my family. building up to this point took me 2 years to do. 2 years is a hell of a long time to be stressing out, depressed, angry, tired, afraid, and feeling so many more emotions on a daily basis. don't get me wrong here, as I said before I have known for over 10 years, but these last 2 have been a much deeper time. I finally accepted that I'm gay 2 years ago and that began this entire process for me. some people take a longer time before they tell, some people dont. it all depends on how you're feeling.
I had a friend tell me something recently that really was an eye opener. "people that are gay usually have a coming out process, straight people never have to do this." lucky on your part! people that are straight will never understand the stress and depression that usually occurs with the coming out process. these are not easy things to feel. while having depression and anxiety are becoming more rampant everywhere in the world, feeling them to this extreme is not normal or good in any way. I got to the point where picking at my face, skin, and scalp were normal. having aches and pain all over my body all the time, was normal. not eating because I never had an appetite, was normal. I got so emotionally torn between 'who I am' and 'who I should be' that I thought all of these horrible negative feelings were normal. I thought that everyone in the world felt like I did all the time. it felt like there was no end to the torture as I struggled to find myself.
the depression started when I realized that I am attracted to girls, that happened in middle school. I really couldn't tell you if there was an exact experience because honestly I don't remember an exact one. I'm sure that got blocked out with other memories once the realization sunk in along with fear. but once the realization hit, I started to delve into church even more. i started to try and talk to guys more and be less shy. I didn't want this, I didn't understand this. why is this happening? why do I feel this way? this can't be normal. I thought about these things for quite some time, then I made myself stop. I wasn't going to act upon these feelings I was having. I was an 8th grader when I told myself I wasn't going to let myself feel this way. so I stopped. but so did the rest of me. I will never be able to get those pieces of myself back. I left quite a bit of myself behind me at that point.
I started to notice a lot of differences in myself. I wasn't having as much fun being around my friends, I stopped caring about sports, even though I love video games they were not as fun for me. I mainly played them so I could be alone and escape the pain I was in. i stopped being myself around my family. most days I was afraid to be around them because I would feel sick to my stomach thinking about how they would react if they found out. I became even more painfully shy than I already was before. I lost confidence in myself. I stopped caring about a lot of things. at the time I thought I was just going through the normal teen years, but looking back I can see the severely depressed and anxious little girl I was. I was too trapped in my own mind and feelings that I couldn't be the happy person I always strived to be. no matter how much I wanted it, it was out of my reach. I needed help, I needed someone to talk to. someone who wouldn't judge me or think I was weird or a sinner. there was no one. I couldn't bare to think about telling anyone in my family, and I was too scared to tell any of my friends. so I kept it to myself. at 14 years old I left all my emotions behind me. only to find I had left my happiness, drowning myself in sadness and misery.
