With my 20th birthday coming up in less than two weeks, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how much I've changed, and how much I haven't changed at all. It's funny actually... upon all this thinking I realized the only difference between me now and when I was 10 is all I've experienced. The big 'changers' in my life made me who I am. Aren't we all that way though? Our past experiences made us who we are, if some of those turned out differently, would we have turned out differently? I guess we'll never really know.
I've thought about how when I was little I chose gameboys over barbies. I've always gotten along with guys way better than girls. Guess it's just my personality ;) I think the only time I ever touched a barbie doll was at a friends house when I was in 1st grade and the head was ripped off... yeah, that about sums up my doll playing. I think of how now I choose video games over clothes and or makeup. Just ask my mom, she was willing to buy me mac makeup for my bday and I told her to just put money in my account instead so I could buy video games. haha wow, I really haven't changed at all in that aspect.
The main thing that has been weighing heavily on my mind is how I've changed emotionally. I think we can all thank puberty for that one. I've thought about how happy-go-lucky I used to be. I literally cared about nothing, not how I dressed, or how people saw me. I didn't care to have friends, or to be in a relationship. The only things I cared about were my family and religion. I'm still pretty much the same way. I definitely don't care how I look while going into public, my friends can tell you about 85% of the time I'm in public I look legitimately homeless. I'll tell you what, I care now more than ever about having friends. I think about life without those that I hold dear and I'd rather be dead than not have them. They have been my life changers recently, and they give me a lot, if not everything to look forward too. Relationships scared me. I've had my heart broken plenty of times, but trust me whatever I've felt I've dealt. When i was growing up I always thought I'd get married really young. Man, has that view changed. The longer I'm up here in Rexburg, and I've dated around a little, even though I want to get married, I am not in a rush at all. Just like any girl I've fantasized about the day I'm dressed in all white, married to the man of my dreams. I know that day will come. But right now, honestly, I'm pretty content with how my life is. I consider myself pretty lucky, not many people can say that about their lives. I think I have it made just for that reason. :)
It's weird to think about how in 12 days I'll be 2 decades old. Wow. Just wow.
They say with age comes wisdom. Boy, have I found that to be true. There have been so many experiences in my life that have taught me so much. It's the only way I could even hold half the knowledge I do. I've only learned so much from text books. But life has taught me so much, and I'm grateful for all of it.
I just want to thank my family and friends. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be half the woman I am today. I love each and everyone of you. Thanks for making this the best 2 decades ever <3
Friday, August 16, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
new slate
I don't even really know where to begin this post... Today has been, stressful, to say the least. But, I'm here writing this, so that show's I'm alive! I just have a little bit of venting to do...
This week has been filled with goodbyes, something I am not good at. Literally, I said more goodbyes this week than really ever in my life. Monday- which is a horrible day in and of itself- I said my first goodbye, to Lindsey. I thought saying bye to my family was hard enough, I can say this topped that. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family terribly. I'm probably one of the most homesick people you will ever meet. I fantasize about leaving Rexburg and just driving home to get away from reality here for a little while. As hard as it was, to say goodbye to Lindz, I didn't cry. My hormones took care of all that prior to the actual event. I still get a knot in my gut every time I play that moment back in my mind.
Then today comes, oh my dear sweet lanta, hardest day of my life. Playing back to monday and thinking of that goodbye, then came two more. One so early in the morning I was half asleep for it, Jess, please don't hate me, saying goodbye to you was so hard, but I see you in 7 weeks soo I mean, I can hold back tears for that ;) Then comes the reality of me 'temporarily moving' to a new apartment for the summer break. After two goodbyes done and over with, I had to get my crap together, and start packing up what I've called home for 4 months. Then the afternoon comes, and the last goodbye hangs in front of me like a sick joke. The harsh reality of me thinking it was one goodbye for a solid 3 days, I realized it was actually two. I was not only saying goodbye to Haley, but to Riley as well. I would say surprisingly I didn't cry, but Tuesday I was literally crying for probably 2 hours straight.... I think I was incapable of crying anymore after this point. However, then when Hay walked out the door and I closed it behind her. I stood there, for a good 20 minutes, still clasping the doorknob. I knew I needed to let go, seeing as I had all of my crap to pack before 6 pm. Subconsciously, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to face the fact that when I let go, this new chapter in my life was beginning. The 4 people I'm closest too were gone. 3 of which I'm not going to see for months. Then the question hit me, am I really going to be able to handle this? Or am I just kidding myself?
I have to tell you, I have never had to muster up so much courage in my entire life... to let go of a freaking doorknob. Am I insane? It's not like I'm really going anywhere. I mean I'm in an apartment all by myself and I was scared sh*tless. After a good 5 minutes of just telling myself I was going to be okay, I let go. My hand stubbornly stayed in the grasped position, and I just stood there. It was then it hit me... from this point forward, nothing was ever going to be the same. These months apart were going to change all of us. Whether we really thought about it, or whether we really wanted it, time will change us. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I already feel different. In a good way? Not necessarily. But I'm already changing, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. So I just took a deep breath, and prayed, that I would come to understand myself better. And when the time came, to understand my friends better. After what probably was a good 45 minutes. I turned away from the door, and staring at the blank walls, I realized something.
These goodbyes were so hard, because I wasn't saying goodbye to just 4 best friends. I was saying goodbye to 4 siblings. These people were no longer just a temporary part of my life, but a permanent one. Each goodbye was harder than the one before, because it was deja vu every time. I would feel the pain from the first one, then that would double, triple.. quadruple.. my word. Now I need to mention that I'm okay, really! This all seems really intense, and trust me it was... is. But, I know that all the pain I felt in the goodbyes, just strengthened my bond with each person even more. For that I am grateful.
The day went on. I packed up all my crap, threw my back out, pulled a muscle in my right arm. But now I am here... apartment 303. I have all new roommates, all of which seem to be pretty decent. I haven't had the time to get to know any of them, but hopefully we will all find a common ground, and be able to become friends. After driving up to Idaho Falls to buy myself some gifts, because I wanted too. Don't judge me, I know all of you have done the same exact thing... Anyways, I met up with some old buddies. I like calling them my gang... they don't know this, but that's okay. They would probably give me weird looks. It was good seeing Kyle, Andrew, and Fletch again. There's just something about being with familiar faces. They all helped by giving me the little push I needed to be happy. Now I get to go down to Provo tomorrow to see my sister, brother in law, and nephew. I cannot wait to see that little guy! He's my pride and joy :) I'll probably steal him when my sis isn't looking... because I am just so well equipped to raise a child right now. (And for those of you that know me, know how sarcastic I am and have probably picked up on it throughout this whole post. Those of you who don't know me, I'm sorry, you're really missing out on a great time.) I get to see my mom, dad, and little bro tomorrow night. It's things like this that remind me I have a lot to live for, and a lot to look forward too.
I just want my best friends to know that I miss them terribly. While no one can replace you, I'm not gonna lie, I'm weirdly excited to see what new people I meet these next few months. I patiently await the day when all of us are in the Burg again. That will be, the best day of my life.
This week has been filled with goodbyes, something I am not good at. Literally, I said more goodbyes this week than really ever in my life. Monday- which is a horrible day in and of itself- I said my first goodbye, to Lindsey. I thought saying bye to my family was hard enough, I can say this topped that. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family terribly. I'm probably one of the most homesick people you will ever meet. I fantasize about leaving Rexburg and just driving home to get away from reality here for a little while. As hard as it was, to say goodbye to Lindz, I didn't cry. My hormones took care of all that prior to the actual event. I still get a knot in my gut every time I play that moment back in my mind.
Then today comes, oh my dear sweet lanta, hardest day of my life. Playing back to monday and thinking of that goodbye, then came two more. One so early in the morning I was half asleep for it, Jess, please don't hate me, saying goodbye to you was so hard, but I see you in 7 weeks soo I mean, I can hold back tears for that ;) Then comes the reality of me 'temporarily moving' to a new apartment for the summer break. After two goodbyes done and over with, I had to get my crap together, and start packing up what I've called home for 4 months. Then the afternoon comes, and the last goodbye hangs in front of me like a sick joke. The harsh reality of me thinking it was one goodbye for a solid 3 days, I realized it was actually two. I was not only saying goodbye to Haley, but to Riley as well. I would say surprisingly I didn't cry, but Tuesday I was literally crying for probably 2 hours straight.... I think I was incapable of crying anymore after this point. However, then when Hay walked out the door and I closed it behind her. I stood there, for a good 20 minutes, still clasping the doorknob. I knew I needed to let go, seeing as I had all of my crap to pack before 6 pm. Subconsciously, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to face the fact that when I let go, this new chapter in my life was beginning. The 4 people I'm closest too were gone. 3 of which I'm not going to see for months. Then the question hit me, am I really going to be able to handle this? Or am I just kidding myself?
I have to tell you, I have never had to muster up so much courage in my entire life... to let go of a freaking doorknob. Am I insane? It's not like I'm really going anywhere. I mean I'm in an apartment all by myself and I was scared sh*tless. After a good 5 minutes of just telling myself I was going to be okay, I let go. My hand stubbornly stayed in the grasped position, and I just stood there. It was then it hit me... from this point forward, nothing was ever going to be the same. These months apart were going to change all of us. Whether we really thought about it, or whether we really wanted it, time will change us. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I already feel different. In a good way? Not necessarily. But I'm already changing, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. So I just took a deep breath, and prayed, that I would come to understand myself better. And when the time came, to understand my friends better. After what probably was a good 45 minutes. I turned away from the door, and staring at the blank walls, I realized something.
These goodbyes were so hard, because I wasn't saying goodbye to just 4 best friends. I was saying goodbye to 4 siblings. These people were no longer just a temporary part of my life, but a permanent one. Each goodbye was harder than the one before, because it was deja vu every time. I would feel the pain from the first one, then that would double, triple.. quadruple.. my word. Now I need to mention that I'm okay, really! This all seems really intense, and trust me it was... is. But, I know that all the pain I felt in the goodbyes, just strengthened my bond with each person even more. For that I am grateful.
The day went on. I packed up all my crap, threw my back out, pulled a muscle in my right arm. But now I am here... apartment 303. I have all new roommates, all of which seem to be pretty decent. I haven't had the time to get to know any of them, but hopefully we will all find a common ground, and be able to become friends. After driving up to Idaho Falls to buy myself some gifts, because I wanted too. Don't judge me, I know all of you have done the same exact thing... Anyways, I met up with some old buddies. I like calling them my gang... they don't know this, but that's okay. They would probably give me weird looks. It was good seeing Kyle, Andrew, and Fletch again. There's just something about being with familiar faces. They all helped by giving me the little push I needed to be happy. Now I get to go down to Provo tomorrow to see my sister, brother in law, and nephew. I cannot wait to see that little guy! He's my pride and joy :) I'll probably steal him when my sis isn't looking... because I am just so well equipped to raise a child right now. (And for those of you that know me, know how sarcastic I am and have probably picked up on it throughout this whole post. Those of you who don't know me, I'm sorry, you're really missing out on a great time.) I get to see my mom, dad, and little bro tomorrow night. It's things like this that remind me I have a lot to live for, and a lot to look forward too.
I just want my best friends to know that I miss them terribly. While no one can replace you, I'm not gonna lie, I'm weirdly excited to see what new people I meet these next few months. I patiently await the day when all of us are in the Burg again. That will be, the best day of my life.
Monday, July 22, 2013
cherished
It's been a little while! I promised myself I'd be consistent at with posting... but hey, no one's perfect right? Anyways, I'd like to share some of my thoughts today, if that's okay with all of you. This post is going to be pretty personal, so I hope those of you reading this don't get too bored, but I have to say some things about people that I really cherish in my life. In the near future, I think I'll post about my family, but I want to tell the entire world about my close friends I have come upon recently. A lot of these thoughts no one really knows about, so here's to putting them out on a wire!
First, I want to start off by talking about someone who has been closest to me for a year now. (Keep in mind, I've mentioned a few of these people in earlier posts. Sorry if you get a little bit of deja vu.) Haley Wallace, has been my best friend for an entire year. Holy freaking crap how time flies! I remember last spring semester when I met her for the first time. Want to know what were the first things that ran through my mind? "How on earth, could a girl like her ever want to be friends with me?" I still think that sometimes. She's absolutely beautiful. There's this charisma about her, I feel like I could reach out and touch it. She has this glow... this might sound crazy but I swear to you it's a light pink. I've never seen anything like it. Like who the crap, would have a light pink glow about them? Only Haley Wallace. I catch myself staring at her all the time... people on the outside probably think I have a crush on her. That's fine. Because I do. I have no shame. Something about our friendship, most people make fun of us for this, but we are literally the most opposite people could be. When I say opposite, I mean polar. Little bit of a side track here... for some background information on me, I am a pretty huge nerd. Video games, anime, drawing, nerdy clothes, the whole nine yards. Then there's Haley, pretty girly girl. I don't think she had touched a video game until 3 days ago! That was a life changer! Anyways, our interests are pretty different to say the least. However, I have never gotten so close to someone so quickly. I have had many people close to me in my lifetime, but the difference with our relationship is, at least for me, I have really had to work at it. Our friendship comes easily, I am perfectly comfortable around her, and no one makes me laugh more. But, I have come to notice that when the going gets tough, my natural reaction is to run, and in most other friendships, I have. I'll put this lightly... she isn't going to let me give up so easily ;) There have been a few bumps in the road, and despite our set backs, I know that I can count on her for anything. I mean heck, she's seen me cry probably more than anyone else! I feel like I have known her way before this life. The times I have come to really love, is when we are just laughing relentlessly. There's something about looking over and seeing her smile that just lets me know, everything is going to be okay. She has been my rock for a long while now. There have been many times where I have reached my all time low, I didn't know if I could pick myself up, and there she was, reaching out her hand for me to grab. She may not know, that the time she has spent with me over this last year, has meant more to me than I could ever express. If you ever get the privilege to encounter this amazing girl, consider yourself extremely lucky. I still count the blessings of having her in my life. I will never be able to put the love I have for her into words, she is no longer my best friend, but my sister.
Then there's Lindsey Evans. Haha, this broad. You know how sometimes you really just get off on the wrong foot with someone? Well, me and Lindz successfully made that a true statement. Me and Lindz met last spring semester as well. Haley actually introduced us. Funny huh? My two best friends met before I even knew they existed, and they were gracious enough to allow me into their lives. Something I still thank God for everyday. Although me and Lindz have known each other for a year as well, we didn't get super close until this semester. It's only been a couple months, but I feel the previous months before this semester almost don't even matter. I regret the lost time, believe me. There she was, such a beautiful, and caring person right in front of my face for months, and we just now became pretty inseparable. Something that I'm kind of embarrassed about... this past week I have called this poor girl everyday asking where she is. I feel like at times I annoy her, with how needy I am... but, when she's not around, I feel empty. Weird? Maybe that's too close for comfort, but at this point I don't care! I don't think she realizes how much I have needed her, and how much her friendship means to me. For those of you who don't know her, I'm sorry. You're missing out on getting to know such an amazing person. The closer I have gotten to her, the more she's opened up to me, the more surprised I am. Not in a bad way, in a different way. It scares me how alike we are, literally. We have gone through a lot of the same experiences. I feel like she understands me on a different level than everyone else. She has really been there to listen, even at times when I didn't want to talk. The thought of her leaving tomorrow makes me want to slit my wrists... don't worry I won't! Doesn't mean the urge will be any less... If I could describe her in one word? Stunning. Outwardly, my word. She is breath taking, such a effortless beauty. Inwardly? Bigolly, you bet. She has one of the biggest hearts. I know she will always be in my life. I'd like to thank her, for allowing these past couple months to be some of the best I've ever had.
Now on to Jessica Christian. We just met this semester, and can I say she was an answer to my many prayers. I've had many crappy roommates in the past, I can't even begin to get into those experiences. She has fit into our small little friend group so nicely! I've come to really know and love her for the beautiful girl she is. It's cute to see how innocent she is. It's crazy to think I haven't known her before now, but I am excited to see where our friendship goes. This fall is going to be crazy fun, me and this chick are gonna paint the town red :)
It's been truly amazing to sit back and reflect on these friendships. I have really been blessed to come to know these exceptional people. I approve the envy that may come my way ;)
First, I want to start off by talking about someone who has been closest to me for a year now. (Keep in mind, I've mentioned a few of these people in earlier posts. Sorry if you get a little bit of deja vu.) Haley Wallace, has been my best friend for an entire year. Holy freaking crap how time flies! I remember last spring semester when I met her for the first time. Want to know what were the first things that ran through my mind? "How on earth, could a girl like her ever want to be friends with me?" I still think that sometimes. She's absolutely beautiful. There's this charisma about her, I feel like I could reach out and touch it. She has this glow... this might sound crazy but I swear to you it's a light pink. I've never seen anything like it. Like who the crap, would have a light pink glow about them? Only Haley Wallace. I catch myself staring at her all the time... people on the outside probably think I have a crush on her. That's fine. Because I do. I have no shame. Something about our friendship, most people make fun of us for this, but we are literally the most opposite people could be. When I say opposite, I mean polar. Little bit of a side track here... for some background information on me, I am a pretty huge nerd. Video games, anime, drawing, nerdy clothes, the whole nine yards. Then there's Haley, pretty girly girl. I don't think she had touched a video game until 3 days ago! That was a life changer! Anyways, our interests are pretty different to say the least. However, I have never gotten so close to someone so quickly. I have had many people close to me in my lifetime, but the difference with our relationship is, at least for me, I have really had to work at it. Our friendship comes easily, I am perfectly comfortable around her, and no one makes me laugh more. But, I have come to notice that when the going gets tough, my natural reaction is to run, and in most other friendships, I have. I'll put this lightly... she isn't going to let me give up so easily ;) There have been a few bumps in the road, and despite our set backs, I know that I can count on her for anything. I mean heck, she's seen me cry probably more than anyone else! I feel like I have known her way before this life. The times I have come to really love, is when we are just laughing relentlessly. There's something about looking over and seeing her smile that just lets me know, everything is going to be okay. She has been my rock for a long while now. There have been many times where I have reached my all time low, I didn't know if I could pick myself up, and there she was, reaching out her hand for me to grab. She may not know, that the time she has spent with me over this last year, has meant more to me than I could ever express. If you ever get the privilege to encounter this amazing girl, consider yourself extremely lucky. I still count the blessings of having her in my life. I will never be able to put the love I have for her into words, she is no longer my best friend, but my sister.
Then there's Lindsey Evans. Haha, this broad. You know how sometimes you really just get off on the wrong foot with someone? Well, me and Lindz successfully made that a true statement. Me and Lindz met last spring semester as well. Haley actually introduced us. Funny huh? My two best friends met before I even knew they existed, and they were gracious enough to allow me into their lives. Something I still thank God for everyday. Although me and Lindz have known each other for a year as well, we didn't get super close until this semester. It's only been a couple months, but I feel the previous months before this semester almost don't even matter. I regret the lost time, believe me. There she was, such a beautiful, and caring person right in front of my face for months, and we just now became pretty inseparable. Something that I'm kind of embarrassed about... this past week I have called this poor girl everyday asking where she is. I feel like at times I annoy her, with how needy I am... but, when she's not around, I feel empty. Weird? Maybe that's too close for comfort, but at this point I don't care! I don't think she realizes how much I have needed her, and how much her friendship means to me. For those of you who don't know her, I'm sorry. You're missing out on getting to know such an amazing person. The closer I have gotten to her, the more she's opened up to me, the more surprised I am. Not in a bad way, in a different way. It scares me how alike we are, literally. We have gone through a lot of the same experiences. I feel like she understands me on a different level than everyone else. She has really been there to listen, even at times when I didn't want to talk. The thought of her leaving tomorrow makes me want to slit my wrists... don't worry I won't! Doesn't mean the urge will be any less... If I could describe her in one word? Stunning. Outwardly, my word. She is breath taking, such a effortless beauty. Inwardly? Bigolly, you bet. She has one of the biggest hearts. I know she will always be in my life. I'd like to thank her, for allowing these past couple months to be some of the best I've ever had.
Now on to Jessica Christian. We just met this semester, and can I say she was an answer to my many prayers. I've had many crappy roommates in the past, I can't even begin to get into those experiences. She has fit into our small little friend group so nicely! I've come to really know and love her for the beautiful girl she is. It's cute to see how innocent she is. It's crazy to think I haven't known her before now, but I am excited to see where our friendship goes. This fall is going to be crazy fun, me and this chick are gonna paint the town red :)
It's been truly amazing to sit back and reflect on these friendships. I have really been blessed to come to know these exceptional people. I approve the envy that may come my way ;)
Sunday, July 14, 2013
his hands
Well guys, it's Sunday, so naturally I'm thinking of God, and his place in my life. *SPOILER ALERT* Whatever your beliefs, if you have anything negative to say, or any negative feelings towards people who write about Heavenly Father and Christ, please, stop reading here, because I really don't want to hear your negativity. Anyways, now that that's out of the way, I'm going to continue to what I want to share with you all today.
I know personally, there have been many times when I have really just sat down, and thought about how God's hands have been in my life. Far too often have I found myself caught up in things that don't matter. I let my emotions run too high, and I lose my rationality. For those of you that may read this, that know me personally, most do not know that I suffer with an anger issue. Never have I gotten violent, or hurt anyone, including myself. But, there are times when my anger welds up inside of me, and I black out. I find that the further I stray from God, the worse my anger gets. I know this is not a coincidence. I'm not perfect, my spiritual wellbeing will not always be at its peak, but that's where He comes in. The people He has placed in my life are proof enough, that I can get over these issues I have. A quote by President Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that I love, "True love can alter lives, and change human nature." How true I have found this statement. During this Spring semester, I have found myself slipping into habits that don't allow me to grow. I lack spiritually. Then I have these amazing friends, that can fill those gaps for me, until I am strong enough to fill them for myself. For that, I am eternally grateful to God, for giving me the great honor and blessing of having these beautiful friends in my life. I know, my journey would be a lot harder here without them.
As I've thought about His hands in my life today, I can't help but think of my mother. A few years ago I was asked to write a talk about people's hands in my life. I focused that talk on my mother's hands. I talked about how they have aged, how more veins have become visible over the years, and how many new age spots I can see. Even as arthritis slowly creeps in, they are the same youthful hands that raised me. Her touch has always been gentle, and caring. I have never met a woman that has more care for people than my mom. I realize that I mention my mom a lot in the few blogs I've written, but I can't help it. She has been the main driving force in my life, the main influence that has made me into the person I am today. There has not been one day when I haven't thanked Heavenly Father for allowing me to be her daughter. She has been the greatest blessing anyone could have ever hoped for. So thanks mom, for being the best and for loving me no matter what.
The list can go on and on for the many people I'm grateful for in my life. I've learned through many losses to cherish those you hold dear, even if it may seem like they'll never leave your life. I think just taking time pretty often to just reflect on blessings in your life, will keep you pretty darn happy. Until next time friends.
I know personally, there have been many times when I have really just sat down, and thought about how God's hands have been in my life. Far too often have I found myself caught up in things that don't matter. I let my emotions run too high, and I lose my rationality. For those of you that may read this, that know me personally, most do not know that I suffer with an anger issue. Never have I gotten violent, or hurt anyone, including myself. But, there are times when my anger welds up inside of me, and I black out. I find that the further I stray from God, the worse my anger gets. I know this is not a coincidence. I'm not perfect, my spiritual wellbeing will not always be at its peak, but that's where He comes in. The people He has placed in my life are proof enough, that I can get over these issues I have. A quote by President Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that I love, "True love can alter lives, and change human nature." How true I have found this statement. During this Spring semester, I have found myself slipping into habits that don't allow me to grow. I lack spiritually. Then I have these amazing friends, that can fill those gaps for me, until I am strong enough to fill them for myself. For that, I am eternally grateful to God, for giving me the great honor and blessing of having these beautiful friends in my life. I know, my journey would be a lot harder here without them.
As I've thought about His hands in my life today, I can't help but think of my mother. A few years ago I was asked to write a talk about people's hands in my life. I focused that talk on my mother's hands. I talked about how they have aged, how more veins have become visible over the years, and how many new age spots I can see. Even as arthritis slowly creeps in, they are the same youthful hands that raised me. Her touch has always been gentle, and caring. I have never met a woman that has more care for people than my mom. I realize that I mention my mom a lot in the few blogs I've written, but I can't help it. She has been the main driving force in my life, the main influence that has made me into the person I am today. There has not been one day when I haven't thanked Heavenly Father for allowing me to be her daughter. She has been the greatest blessing anyone could have ever hoped for. So thanks mom, for being the best and for loving me no matter what.
The list can go on and on for the many people I'm grateful for in my life. I've learned through many losses to cherish those you hold dear, even if it may seem like they'll never leave your life. I think just taking time pretty often to just reflect on blessings in your life, will keep you pretty darn happy. Until next time friends.
Friday, July 12, 2013
beauty
I'm trying not to be one of those super annoying 'inspirational' people. We all know who I'm talking about. We sit down and read their posts, while all a long thinking "gag me, there's no way they can seriously think of this stuff everyday." Later you come to find out they found their idea on Pinterest or Tumblr. Haha, my word, people these days. If you think I'm one of those I'm sorry. There isn't a fake bone in my body, and I have no intentions of writing to make people believe I'm something that I'm not. Anyways, now that that tangent is out of me, I'd like to share what has been on my mind.
Have you ever just looked around you, and thought that one moment you're in, is beautiful? I have. To me these experiences tend to be 'out of body' ones. It's like I leave myself, time slows, and I capture every small detail. It's entirely surreal. I've noticed that these moments are nothing particularly amazing, nothing extraordinary happens, but it's breath taking.
For instance, last night I was with a few of my closest friends. We were all sitting around the table, just talking and laughing. At one point, it felt like my heart stopped. All the sound faded, and I was left with my own thoughts pounding in my skull. I looked around and studied each person's face, taking in fine details. I got this overwhelming feeling in my chest, like someone threw a bomb directly at my heart. When it exploded, this throbbing filed through my body, all the way to my fingers and toes. It felt empowering, but at the same time, calming. Then, shortly after I returned to my own thoughts, and the sound came back to me. I was stunned for a small amount of time. I didn't think such a normal happenstance could critically turn my day around. The only word that was left in my mind, was beautiful.
My father is a mechanical engineer. Throughout his career he has helped invent and patent new parts and machines for several companies. When he talks about machines and parts, there's this light in his eyes that tells me how much he loves it. He may not outwardly express it, but it's amazing to see how as he explains things I can almost see his brain working, putting the parts together to create these new inventions. He may not say it, but I know it's moments like those, where the math he does fits together, the planning and all the time set aside towards each project, that when it's all said and done, it's beautiful.
I know within myself I get so caught up in what's going on 'now'. It's hard to pull back and realize the moments that truly are special. So many slip by, and I wish there were more beautiful moments to fill my mind. It'll be nice to look back, when I'm old and lived my life, and realize my life was beautiful. If not to anyone else, than to me. That's the legacy I want to leave behind.
Have you ever just looked around you, and thought that one moment you're in, is beautiful? I have. To me these experiences tend to be 'out of body' ones. It's like I leave myself, time slows, and I capture every small detail. It's entirely surreal. I've noticed that these moments are nothing particularly amazing, nothing extraordinary happens, but it's breath taking.
For instance, last night I was with a few of my closest friends. We were all sitting around the table, just talking and laughing. At one point, it felt like my heart stopped. All the sound faded, and I was left with my own thoughts pounding in my skull. I looked around and studied each person's face, taking in fine details. I got this overwhelming feeling in my chest, like someone threw a bomb directly at my heart. When it exploded, this throbbing filed through my body, all the way to my fingers and toes. It felt empowering, but at the same time, calming. Then, shortly after I returned to my own thoughts, and the sound came back to me. I was stunned for a small amount of time. I didn't think such a normal happenstance could critically turn my day around. The only word that was left in my mind, was beautiful.
My father is a mechanical engineer. Throughout his career he has helped invent and patent new parts and machines for several companies. When he talks about machines and parts, there's this light in his eyes that tells me how much he loves it. He may not outwardly express it, but it's amazing to see how as he explains things I can almost see his brain working, putting the parts together to create these new inventions. He may not say it, but I know it's moments like those, where the math he does fits together, the planning and all the time set aside towards each project, that when it's all said and done, it's beautiful.
I know within myself I get so caught up in what's going on 'now'. It's hard to pull back and realize the moments that truly are special. So many slip by, and I wish there were more beautiful moments to fill my mind. It'll be nice to look back, when I'm old and lived my life, and realize my life was beautiful. If not to anyone else, than to me. That's the legacy I want to leave behind.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
moments
Recently I've been posed with the thought of time. How do we measure it for ourselves? Yeah sure, a minute passes by, then an hour, a day... weeks and months. We all have the basic understanding of those things. What I can't wrap my head around, maybe I'm just crazy, but what does that even all mean? People say all the time to 'not waste our time', 'do something productive with your time'... etc. Why? Why is playing video games considered less productive than reading a book? I'll be honest that is just one example of many. What is truly the difference of spending 3 hours killing zombies, or 3 hours reading about some fantasy romance? Is there one? I never really thought of there being a difference in how I spend my time, until yesterday.
There is a limited amount of 'time' in this life. Whether you believe in God or not. Whether you believe there is a life after death, that doesn't matter right now. Either way, despite your beliefs, you have a small window in this life my friend. This poses the next question, what are you willing to do with this small amount of time? People think 80 years is a long, and fulfilled life. Hah, please, don't make me laugh. 80 years is a long amount of time, but in whose eyes? Yours? Mine? Society's? That's something I can't answer. Everyone has their own vision of time. People have their own opinions on what is productive, what isn't. Even if life were to end when we die, if nothing exists after this life, do you sincerely care how you lived this life? I do. I believe that there is so much more after this life, an eternity. I want to end this life learning as much as I possibly can, getting to know and love people for who they are. I want to raise a family, and be with a man that I can give my whole heart too. Don't get me wrong, I love playing video games. Spending hours with my friends watching movies, laying around. Don't get me started on how much I love sleep, it can't be normal how much I sleep in a day. Do I consider those things to be less productive? No. Do I think that maybe it has a lesser value than some other things I could be doing? Maybe. I want to share an experience I had last night.
One of my best friends, Lindsey and I went driving for awhile. When I say awhile, it was a solid hour, at least. For the entire time, we were just talking. We both opened up about a lot of things, laughed, shared secrets. Now, comparing this to what I'm usually doing, watching Netflix and procrastinating homework, this felt a lot more meaningful. Why? Because, it's a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. She may never know how much that night meant to me, how much I appreciate her, and her friendship. Thinking back on it, that's when I realized, this is time well spent.
I have had many people come in and out of my life, people that have meant a lot to me. Although a lot of those friendships are not as strong as they were, I will never look back on a single one of those memories and think it was a waste of my time. My family and I are really close, as most know. Now that I am out on my own, I think back to a lot of memories I have with them. It's sad, thinking that it took me moving away to realize how much I cherish those memories. Those small moments when me and my mom would drive around and just talk. When my sisters would come home to visit, just for a few days. When I would sleep over at a friends house, and we'd just laugh for who knows how long. With each of those memories, things that other's view as 'productive' probably weren't happening, but that doesn't matter to me. As long as I can look back on my life, and be content. That's all I want. I don't have to be writing a best selling novel, breaking a world record, inventing something entirely new. I just need to be content with myself, and with how I want my life to be.
Happiness is what we chose to feel. Don't waste time moping around thinking your worthless. Take the time to do the things you love. I can promise you won't regret it.
There is a limited amount of 'time' in this life. Whether you believe in God or not. Whether you believe there is a life after death, that doesn't matter right now. Either way, despite your beliefs, you have a small window in this life my friend. This poses the next question, what are you willing to do with this small amount of time? People think 80 years is a long, and fulfilled life. Hah, please, don't make me laugh. 80 years is a long amount of time, but in whose eyes? Yours? Mine? Society's? That's something I can't answer. Everyone has their own vision of time. People have their own opinions on what is productive, what isn't. Even if life were to end when we die, if nothing exists after this life, do you sincerely care how you lived this life? I do. I believe that there is so much more after this life, an eternity. I want to end this life learning as much as I possibly can, getting to know and love people for who they are. I want to raise a family, and be with a man that I can give my whole heart too. Don't get me wrong, I love playing video games. Spending hours with my friends watching movies, laying around. Don't get me started on how much I love sleep, it can't be normal how much I sleep in a day. Do I consider those things to be less productive? No. Do I think that maybe it has a lesser value than some other things I could be doing? Maybe. I want to share an experience I had last night.
One of my best friends, Lindsey and I went driving for awhile. When I say awhile, it was a solid hour, at least. For the entire time, we were just talking. We both opened up about a lot of things, laughed, shared secrets. Now, comparing this to what I'm usually doing, watching Netflix and procrastinating homework, this felt a lot more meaningful. Why? Because, it's a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. She may never know how much that night meant to me, how much I appreciate her, and her friendship. Thinking back on it, that's when I realized, this is time well spent.
I have had many people come in and out of my life, people that have meant a lot to me. Although a lot of those friendships are not as strong as they were, I will never look back on a single one of those memories and think it was a waste of my time. My family and I are really close, as most know. Now that I am out on my own, I think back to a lot of memories I have with them. It's sad, thinking that it took me moving away to realize how much I cherish those memories. Those small moments when me and my mom would drive around and just talk. When my sisters would come home to visit, just for a few days. When I would sleep over at a friends house, and we'd just laugh for who knows how long. With each of those memories, things that other's view as 'productive' probably weren't happening, but that doesn't matter to me. As long as I can look back on my life, and be content. That's all I want. I don't have to be writing a best selling novel, breaking a world record, inventing something entirely new. I just need to be content with myself, and with how I want my life to be.
Happiness is what we chose to feel. Don't waste time moping around thinking your worthless. Take the time to do the things you love. I can promise you won't regret it.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
something new
Well hey!
So, I've never really done something like this before. Never in my life did I think I was going to start a blog... just never occurred to me as something I should do. But whatever! I'm here now. I don't expect many people will read this, I have to say that thought calms me. Putting my own voice out for anyone to read is nerve racking. However, change is good. Delving into this online fantasy may just be the one door that leads me to many new possibilities.
Recently, I've been thinking about the constants in my life. With spring semester coming to an end, I can't help but feel anxious. For one, I have never been away from home for this long. I'm definitely a home body, and I miss my family more than words can describe. Questions are residing in the back of my mind. Will I be able to get a job? Am I going to be able to find friends that I can care for more than just the surface of who they are? When will I be able to go back home? Can I fulfill all the goals I have set out for myself? Am I sure this is really what I want, where I need to be? I can't even begin to tell you how crazy this is making me. The more I ponder upon these things, the more of my sanity I feel slipping away. But, even with my insanity, I guess I will have to see what lies ahead. Taking each new day, one step at a time.
Part of me wants to end here, leaving whoever is reading this in the same wonderment I am in. Should I?... nah, I'll cut you all some slack today. Instead, I want to mention a few things I am grateful for. For the past couple weeks, I have been making a conscious effort to think of one thing I am grateful for each day. The first person I thought of? Haley Wallace. Wow, where do I even begin? She is by far, one of the best friends I have ever had. Don't get me wrong, our relationship has been far from perfect. We have definitely traveled down some rough roads. There was a time when I thought I was really going to lose her. Words cannot describe how broken I felt. We manage though. Each day is a new slate, and I can honestly say the one thing that brings me the most peace, is waking up and seeing her laying right next to me. As weird as that sounds, I love her. I know I can count on her for anything. Thinking about these next few months without her, chills me to my core. But, as scared as I am to be here without her, I have never felt more peace. Being away from her is going to be hard, but I know her decision to go back home is the right one, and I only wish the best for her.
The next thing I am grateful for, is my family. As cliche as that last sentence was, it's absolutely true. My family has been the one constant in my life that I don't know if I could survive without. I feel my family is very unique to most others. I can honestly say each member is my best friend. My mother, haha oh dear, my mother. She is definitely the coolest person I know. Hands down. I have never known someone to be so loving. When she comes to talk to you, and expresses concern, love, happiness... whatever it may be, she is genuine. The amount of people she knows, the amount she has touched, unfathomable. She is a unique woman, and she is my best friend. I know I would not be half the person I am today if it wasn't for her. I owe her so much, but all I have to give her right now is my love. My siblings, my word, there is no describing how our life is when we are all together. Pure chaos. I can never get enough of it. My two older sisters, Chantel and Kileigh, were such great examples to me. How hard both of their lives were, and to see where they are now, unreal. They are two exceptional women. I can only hope to one day fill their shoes, as sisters, mothers, wives, and friends. Both of their husbands are amazing. Joe and Bryan are two men I know I can count on for anything. They are my older brothers, and it's weird thinking of life before they were part of our family. God bless you two for marrying my sisters, we all know what a handful they can be. ;) Then there's my younger brother, Connor. He is my biggest rival, and my biggest protector. Growing up all we did was fight. It's sad to say I can hardly remember times when we weren't fighting. After I moved out for school, I realized how much I really do care about him. He's growing up to be a fine young man. Haha, words I never thought I would say. Lastly, there's my father. I will never be able to describe how much I love him. He is the best man I know, and the best example of the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have never known someone to be more intelligent than he is. Let me put it this way, if I had even just a 1/4 of his brain, I would never have to study for classes ever again. How freaking great would that be? I am very appreciative of all his hard work in taking care of me and my family. I am forever indebted to the life lessons he's taught me, and for the shoulder he has been in my life.
I'll be honest, I could go on for days about things and people I'm grateful for. There's so much to be grateful for, how could I not want to express all of it? I'll spare you all the boredom of this. I think this is a justifiable first post. Until next time.
So, I've never really done something like this before. Never in my life did I think I was going to start a blog... just never occurred to me as something I should do. But whatever! I'm here now. I don't expect many people will read this, I have to say that thought calms me. Putting my own voice out for anyone to read is nerve racking. However, change is good. Delving into this online fantasy may just be the one door that leads me to many new possibilities.
Recently, I've been thinking about the constants in my life. With spring semester coming to an end, I can't help but feel anxious. For one, I have never been away from home for this long. I'm definitely a home body, and I miss my family more than words can describe. Questions are residing in the back of my mind. Will I be able to get a job? Am I going to be able to find friends that I can care for more than just the surface of who they are? When will I be able to go back home? Can I fulfill all the goals I have set out for myself? Am I sure this is really what I want, where I need to be? I can't even begin to tell you how crazy this is making me. The more I ponder upon these things, the more of my sanity I feel slipping away. But, even with my insanity, I guess I will have to see what lies ahead. Taking each new day, one step at a time.
Part of me wants to end here, leaving whoever is reading this in the same wonderment I am in. Should I?... nah, I'll cut you all some slack today. Instead, I want to mention a few things I am grateful for. For the past couple weeks, I have been making a conscious effort to think of one thing I am grateful for each day. The first person I thought of? Haley Wallace. Wow, where do I even begin? She is by far, one of the best friends I have ever had. Don't get me wrong, our relationship has been far from perfect. We have definitely traveled down some rough roads. There was a time when I thought I was really going to lose her. Words cannot describe how broken I felt. We manage though. Each day is a new slate, and I can honestly say the one thing that brings me the most peace, is waking up and seeing her laying right next to me. As weird as that sounds, I love her. I know I can count on her for anything. Thinking about these next few months without her, chills me to my core. But, as scared as I am to be here without her, I have never felt more peace. Being away from her is going to be hard, but I know her decision to go back home is the right one, and I only wish the best for her.
The next thing I am grateful for, is my family. As cliche as that last sentence was, it's absolutely true. My family has been the one constant in my life that I don't know if I could survive without. I feel my family is very unique to most others. I can honestly say each member is my best friend. My mother, haha oh dear, my mother. She is definitely the coolest person I know. Hands down. I have never known someone to be so loving. When she comes to talk to you, and expresses concern, love, happiness... whatever it may be, she is genuine. The amount of people she knows, the amount she has touched, unfathomable. She is a unique woman, and she is my best friend. I know I would not be half the person I am today if it wasn't for her. I owe her so much, but all I have to give her right now is my love. My siblings, my word, there is no describing how our life is when we are all together. Pure chaos. I can never get enough of it. My two older sisters, Chantel and Kileigh, were such great examples to me. How hard both of their lives were, and to see where they are now, unreal. They are two exceptional women. I can only hope to one day fill their shoes, as sisters, mothers, wives, and friends. Both of their husbands are amazing. Joe and Bryan are two men I know I can count on for anything. They are my older brothers, and it's weird thinking of life before they were part of our family. God bless you two for marrying my sisters, we all know what a handful they can be. ;) Then there's my younger brother, Connor. He is my biggest rival, and my biggest protector. Growing up all we did was fight. It's sad to say I can hardly remember times when we weren't fighting. After I moved out for school, I realized how much I really do care about him. He's growing up to be a fine young man. Haha, words I never thought I would say. Lastly, there's my father. I will never be able to describe how much I love him. He is the best man I know, and the best example of the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have never known someone to be more intelligent than he is. Let me put it this way, if I had even just a 1/4 of his brain, I would never have to study for classes ever again. How freaking great would that be? I am very appreciative of all his hard work in taking care of me and my family. I am forever indebted to the life lessons he's taught me, and for the shoulder he has been in my life.
I'll be honest, I could go on for days about things and people I'm grateful for. There's so much to be grateful for, how could I not want to express all of it? I'll spare you all the boredom of this. I think this is a justifiable first post. Until next time.
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