new slate

I don't even really know where to begin this post... Today has been, stressful, to say the least. But, I'm here writing this, so that show's I'm alive! I just have a little bit of venting to do...

This week has been filled with goodbyes, something I am not good at. Literally, I said more goodbyes this week than really ever in my life. Monday- which is a horrible day in and of itself- I said my first goodbye, to Lindsey. I thought saying bye to my family was hard enough, I can say this topped that. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family terribly. I'm probably one of the most homesick people you will ever meet. I fantasize about leaving Rexburg and just driving home to get away from reality here for a little while. As hard as it was, to say goodbye to Lindz, I didn't cry. My hormones took care of all that prior to the actual event. I still get a knot in my gut every time I play that moment back in my mind.

Then today comes, oh my dear sweet lanta, hardest day of my life. Playing back to monday and thinking of that goodbye, then came two more. One so early in the morning I was half asleep for it, Jess, please don't hate me, saying goodbye to you was so hard, but I see you in 7 weeks soo I mean, I can hold back tears for that ;) Then comes the reality of me 'temporarily moving' to a new apartment for the summer break. After two goodbyes done and over with, I had to get my crap together, and start packing up what I've called home for 4 months. Then the afternoon comes, and the last goodbye hangs in front of me like a sick joke. The harsh reality of me thinking it was one goodbye for a solid 3 days, I realized it was actually two. I was not only saying goodbye to Haley, but to Riley as well. I would say surprisingly I didn't cry, but Tuesday I was literally crying for probably 2 hours straight.... I think I was incapable of crying anymore after this point. However, then when Hay walked out the door and I closed it behind her. I stood there, for a good 20 minutes, still clasping the doorknob. I knew I needed to let go, seeing as I had all of my crap to pack before 6 pm. Subconsciously, I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to face the fact that when I let go, this new chapter in my life was beginning. The 4 people I'm closest too were gone. 3 of which I'm not going to see for months. Then the question hit me, am I really going to be able to handle this? Or am I just kidding myself?

I have to tell you, I have never had to muster up so much courage in my entire life... to let go of a freaking doorknob. Am I insane? It's not like I'm really going anywhere. I mean I'm in an apartment all by myself and I was scared sh*tless. After a good 5 minutes of just telling myself I was going to be okay, I let go. My hand stubbornly stayed in the grasped position, and I just stood there. It was then it hit me... from this point forward, nothing was ever going to be the same. These months apart were going to change all of us. Whether we really thought about it, or whether we really wanted it, time will change us. It hasn't even been 24 hours and I already feel different. In a good way? Not necessarily. But I'm already changing, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. So I just took a deep breath, and prayed, that I would come to understand myself better. And when the time came, to understand my friends better. After what probably was a good 45 minutes. I turned away from the door, and staring at the blank walls, I realized something.

These goodbyes were so hard, because I wasn't saying goodbye to just 4 best friends. I was saying goodbye to 4 siblings. These people were no longer just a temporary part of my life, but a permanent one. Each goodbye was harder than the one before, because it was deja vu every time. I would feel the pain from the first one, then that would double, triple.. quadruple.. my word. Now I need to mention that I'm okay, really! This all seems really intense, and trust me it was... is. But, I know that all the pain I felt in the goodbyes, just strengthened my bond with each person even more. For that I am grateful.

The day went on. I packed up all my crap, threw my back out, pulled a muscle in my right arm. But now I am here... apartment 303. I have all new roommates, all of which seem to be pretty decent. I haven't had the time to get to know any of them, but hopefully we will all find a common ground, and be able to become friends. After driving up to Idaho Falls to buy myself some gifts, because I wanted too. Don't judge me, I know all of you have done the same exact thing... Anyways, I met up with some old buddies. I like calling them my gang... they don't know this, but that's okay. They would probably give me weird looks. It was good seeing Kyle, Andrew, and Fletch again. There's just something about being with familiar faces. They all helped by giving me the little push I needed to be happy. Now I get to go down to Provo tomorrow to see my sister, brother in law, and nephew. I cannot wait to see that little guy! He's my pride and joy :) I'll probably steal him when my sis isn't looking... because I am just so well equipped to raise a child right now. (And for those of you that know me, know how sarcastic I am and have probably picked up on it throughout this whole post. Those of you who don't know me, I'm sorry, you're really missing out on a great time.) I get to see my mom, dad, and little bro tomorrow night. It's things like this that remind me I have a lot to live for, and a lot to look forward too.

I just want my best friends to know that I miss them terribly. While no one can replace you, I'm not gonna lie, I'm weirdly excited to see what new people I meet these next few months. I patiently await the day when all of us are in the Burg again. That will be, the best day of my life.